All day. Every day.

It has been so long since I've blogged and I'll be the first one to tell you that I have 734,000 things I should be doing instead of sitting at the computer, but here I am. Finally! Theres no way I can summarize everything I've been thinking and praying about it, but all that pulls it together is that God is THROWING me out of my comfort zone and reminding me that all I NEED is Him. Yesterday at church, Mark talked about adding expectations, standards, and even limits to Jesus. I forget so often that He is so much more capable to work in my life if I can give up and just let Him. My prayer in these last couple of days has been Psalms 51:12, "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and make me willing to obey You." I want to be running full force to Him constantly. All day, Every day. I want to be joyful even when my heart is hurting. I want to obey His commands and His will as soon as He shows them to me. I have grown up surrounded by ideas of who Jesus is and where he needs to be instead of allowing Him to be everything and everything to me. It is so hard to "let go and let God" but I can't think of anything more important! I've always heard about needing to die to myself before I can ever let God live and work through me, but WOAH, that hits so close to home. I get up every morning with 100 things I want to do and tell God that if He can work around my plans, I'll serve Him, but I'm missing the point completely. I should wake up in the morning and say first thing "Use me, Jesus, no matter what" THEN I'll understand. That has to be my heart's constant desire, to long to obey Him and His will.
I saw this quote a long time ago that I try to remind myself of daily. It says "If I knew what God knew, His will is exactly what I would want for my life." If I could even comprehend how many beautiful experiences He has planned for me, I would want nothing more than to sit at His feet and wait for commands. I'm learning everyday to wake up and ask Jesus to show himself to me, because He has a plan, and it is perfect! But, of course, I fail constantly. All day. Every day. And of course, that leads me back into His arms full of grace. Be joyful this week and strive to obey Him no matter what. Remind yourself of His will and perfect plan. Love  Love Love.

Everything to Him..

When I was in 7th grade, one my closest friends was in a car accident and passed away. I remember thinking that he was a good person with a great heart, that he had already made such an impact with his short life, and that I couldn't imagine why in the world this was happening to somebody like Deven and his family. Back to Crazy Love.. There is a story in chapter 2 about a girl named Brooke who was killed in a car accident when she was 14. Her story is so similar to Deven's! She loved Jesus and always wanted to share him! When I hear stories like Brooke's and remember Deven's, I can't help but think that Jesus doesn't make mistakes. He perfectly orchestrated their lives before they were born, before their parents were born, even before the earth was made! Before my parents met, Jesus knew exactly what he would call me to be and I can't keep denying that.
 Until the point that I got serious about taking up my cross and following Him DAILY, I always ignored his convictions that interrupted what I wanted. It is easy to walk around every day and assume that things will follow the pattern that the world has set up, but Jesus has called us all to so much more than that. That is where it gets tough.. Giving Him every desire. Giving Him every want. Giving Him every need. Giving Him all my time. Giving Him EVERYTHING. And still trusting that I'll be okay if I don't get everything I always expected. So we give Him everything, then what?
Psalms 139:23 says, "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns." I want Jesus to be able to look through and through me, and not see even the smallest imperfection. That means everything has to reflect Him. Let me break it down.. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I eat, everything I think, everything I see, everything I hear, EVERYTHING has to be of Him. I can't get over the fact that I've been failing for so long. It is easy to pick apart what God's telling me and have it pinned down to something that works for me and doesn't actually do anything at all to glorify Him. But it is so much bigger to know that, regardless of how many times I fail, God has planned my entire life, I just have to decide to get back up and keep going. 
The book goes on to talk about lukewarm Christians, and let me warn you, its even more convicting than the last chapters. My whole life has been about my comfort and until I get out of that mindset, I CANNOT be an effective Christian. Jesus says that a lukewarm Christian has  to be VOMITED out of his mouth in Revelations 3. In Luke 14, He says if we are not the salt of the earth, we are not even good for manure. Can you even imagine how many times I've been a lukewarm Christian in His eyes and He has been, at best, disgusted by me? If you haven't heard Fence Riders by Jimmy Needham, listen now!! Jesus is so willing to forgive us and to cover us in his grace anytime we fail, but He definitely calls us to stop riding the fences of our relationship with Him. Please remember how perfect and just His grace is! Love Love Love.

Here & Now..

Let me start this by warning you all, I have never been so convicted by a book as I am by Crazy Love, so the next few posts will probably be about it. I'll start with this quote from chapter one.. "I sometimes struggle with how to properly respond to God's magnitude in a world bent on ignoring or merely tolerating Him. But know this: God will not be tolerated. He instructs us to worship and fear Him." I just can't get past the point that I've been missing everything that God has ever tried to tell me.. Last Sunday at FBC, Mark talked about waiting for "the call" while its been here forever. I can't explain to you how sincerely I feel led to the mission field in Africa, but I've been missing the bigger picture. From the day I became a Christian, I was called to the mission field EVERYWHERE I GO. In Alma. In Russellville. At Arkansas Tech.  It doesn't stop where I am, it goes everywhere I've been and with anybody I've affected, good OR bad.
I started working with the Cubbies tonight at Awanas and I can't tell you how much they warmed my heart. They had such a genuine excitement and awe when they heard that God knows everything about them.  One little boy, Paetyn, almost came unglued when he shouted to Kate, "AWESOME!!!" I want to always bring that excitement and love for the Lord to people, so why haven't I been? How many opportunities have I missed? How many people have I had every chance to invite to church, but decided not to because I wasn't willing to step out of my comfort zone? How many times have I decided that hanging out with the same friends I see every night is more important than sitting down and having my quiet time?
I was telling my crazy time partner Katiebug today that I need to be more independent in everything, but in my faith particularly. For so long, I looked up to my parents or my youth group leaders or my even my older friends for leadership. It wasn't until college that I really started to understand what God has for me separately, and that started with worshiping and fearing Him, like the book points out. I can't stress enough what an encouragement Christian friends and campus ministries are, but this year I've made a promise to God and myself to make decisions and commitments for Him and His will instead of others. I'm so excited for it, but I know its gonna be so hard! But of course that brings me back to grace.. Every time I fall away from that, my purpose right here in Russellville, I'll need His grace to cover me, so of course it will! He is so good! I'm sure I'll be back with more so soon because I can't seem to stop blogging! Love Love Love.

Crazy Time

For as long as I can remember, I've avoided anything that takes me out of my comfort zone. When I was little, that meant PE and Band. When I was in high school, that was things like speaking in public and new friends, because believe it or not, I didn't talk much. That seems weird now, but once in middle school, after just moving to Alma, a girl thought I was a special education student because I NEVER talked. My friends and family have always known the "real" me that's WAY more talkative and willing to embarrass herself in front of them a little for the sake of a good laugh, but when I moved to college those comfortable lines were really challenged. So whats that have to do with now?
I bought Crazy Love as soon as it would stay on a shelf long enough, then got too busy to read it. So its been sitting on my desk for well over a year collecting dust, until my sweet friend Katiebug & I decided we would read it together and have "crazy time" to talk about it every night. So last night when I got back to my room and found out she'd already started reading, I had to jump into my bed and start right away. She warned me that it was gonna convict me immediately, but I wasn't ready for 17 daggers to the heart. Its always annoyed me so much when someone would constantly harp on only the loving attributes of Jesus, but that's because, as I discovered last night, its so hard for me to love. Not to love my friends or my family. If you know me, you've heard me talk about my bffffff's and my nieces and nephews, and I couldn't love them more, but its so hard for me to love the people who are hard to love. But Jesus didn't discriminate. He says to even love our enemies. "But I say to you who listen: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27) So clearly I'm failing miserably, but thats what brings me back to grace! Time to get crazy and get out of my comfort zone to love others like Jesus does, even my enemies! Love Love Love.