12 days..

This past weekend I went on a 3 day retreat to meet my team for Africa, get shots, and get all the details. I guess because of that this whole thing is getting so real! I'm going to Africa in 12 days. In 12 days, I will be in Africa. 12 days until I'm Africa. It's the same every way I write it, but every time it hits me again. I'm overwhelmed to say the least. Scared. Excited. Nervous. All of those & 100 other emotions but overwhelmed might be the only one that sums them up. I have the longest to-do list & this might be the only time in my life that I've wished for any kind of stress level. I don't even know where to begin writing. There is just so much going through my head. I keep thinking that I can't possibly be "good enough" to carry the name of my Jesus to Quelimane, Mozambique, but I think that's just it. There is no denying He has redeemed me time and time again, and I'm beginning to realize that I can't tell of His love better than my broken life can show it. Anytime my grandpa was asked if he was doing good, he would rattle off the verse about not even one person being good. I overwhelmed by the reminder that Jesus uses me no matter how much I have fought Him for control of the life that I can only mess up on my own. I've been reading a blog all day written by a girl not much older than me that gave up everything to follow Jesus to Uganda. (Read her story at kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com!!) I've never felt like this in my life. How can I love somewhere I've never been? How can I love people I've never met? I'm sitting in my living room floor, crying and listening to Natalie Grant's "In Better Hands" on repeat, and al I can think about is how much my heart hurts to be in Africa already. I know He has prepared me for Africa. If just for a small time, he MADE me FOR Africa.. Not because He couldn't use someone else or because He needed help at all, but because I need Africa just as desperately as Africa needs me. We both need Jesus in an inconceivable way, and He is bringing us together to understand that more deeply. I can't explain the burden and joy I feel all at the same time. To tell you the truth, I've been scared of this whole thing for the past couple of weeks, and I still am some, but as I sit here and try to understand it, Jesus quiets my soul again. This song says, "There's no fear when the night comes around, because I'm in better hands now."
When I first said I was going, my fiend Michael said, "You're finally doing what you were made to do. How's that feel?" I didn't even know where to begin to answer that, and as more people have asked over the past couple of weeks, I still haven't had the right answer. It feels like fall. It feels like Kyli and Lathan and Landon. It feels like my best friends on a roadtrip. It feels like country music. It feels like Christmas morning when you know exactly what you're getting and are sure you'll never want anything else. It feels like snowcones and sunshine. Like happy happy hour and sunsets. Like sleeping in late and the beach. Like spring break and new books like grandpa telling me a story about granny. Like grandma calling to tell me she's proud of me. Like finally understanding that Jami is more than just my sister. Like brandi laughing at herself. Like Sunday morning wake-ups with my dad. Like Saturday pancakes and shopping with my mom. Like everything I ever loved ir everything that ever made me happy combined. I know He has so much more planned than I could ever imagined, but I'm catching a small glimpse and I couldn't be more excited. Love Love Love.

Changes..

The end of the semester is coming so fast & I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm more than ready to be in Africa, (We'll see if I ever come back?!) but it's going to be a long summer with a lot of first and lasts I feel like.

My parent's are moving to Rison when my mom finishes her school year in the beginning of June. I grew up knowing that God was going to move my family around some because He had called my dad into the ministry, and that means He called us too. I won't even try to lie and say that it hasn't been hard to do through the years, but I can honestly say that Alma has been home for a long time and I am so thankful for that move. This one is so different though. Alma is my hometown and I still love it, but Russellville is home for now. I live here. I go to school here. If I work, it's here. I go to church here. Most of my closest friends are here. I love it. Butttttttt this whole move for my parents is becoming harder than I expected. I thought that them moving just meant I would go somewhere different to see them, but I'm slowly realizing, as Rison becomes a reality, that now it's going to be harder to see my best friends in Alma. It means leaving the little things like Braum's ice cream cones and swinging and picnics in the park (which may or may not have produced a few tears). It means not knowing the back roads and not running into people in Wal-Mart. It means not necessarily being around for the Hodo's Christmas lights in Van Buren or my favorite snow cone stand in Fort Smith. I am completely confident that my parents are going where they're supposed to, but I'm confused how that is supposed to make me feel. I know I'll still visit Alma and my friends and Jami there, but it changes it for me it seems like. It is so precious to me now! Weird. My parents are actually leaving Alma while I am in Africa and I have mixed feelings about missing the move. On one hand, I won't have to help or deal with the immediate "goodbyes," but on the other hand, they'll be gone when I get back and I won't get to stop and "let go" either. It has been the weirdest thing to me that I've been affected by it so much, but for some reason, it gets me a little every time I think about it. It doesn't make sense to anyone that it is upsetting me, or to me either for that matter, but it has made me more thankful than ever for the sweet friendships I love so much at home and the ones here that get me through when "home" shifts.

My parent's move leaves me staying in Hector for the summer and working at a snow cone stand in Atkins. I'm excited to for sure have a job, but I know it's going to be a long summer. It's my first summer completely away from home, and while I'm used to not being with my parents during the school year, all the free time of summer might be a little weird to not share with my mom. I haven't spent a summer without Chelsi, Betsy, Jessica, and Michael around in a couple of years and I know that will be different too, but I can honestly say I am rejoicing in the fact that I know this is all for His good. My grandpa's favorite verse in the world, although he could quote what seemed like half the Bible, was Romans 8:28. "And we know that all things work together for good to them who love God, and to them who are called according to His purpose." I've never been led to believe that the bad wasn't just as much a blessing, if not more, than the good, but it seems like I am constantly hearing this echoed around me in sermons, testimonies, and even short conversations with friends. Church this morning was about truly having a spirit of thankfulness through trials because hardships produce perseverance and faith. I know that this is seemingly insignificant in the grand scheme of things, a move that barely affects me, but it has honestly strengthened my faith and reliance on my sweet Jesus, so I WILL be thankful. I don't say all this to draw attention to the fact that I've been hurting, but to bring glory to my Jesus who trusts me enough to let me hurt to see Him more. He is so good. Love Love Love.