Home..

This summer has been crazy, unplanned, & completely out of my comfort zone. I started out at home in Alma, before I went to Africa. When I came back, my parents had made their move to Rison, & were already starting to call it home. God has used this time of moving & transition to turn my world upside down a little.
I can't remember ever being confident through change. I remember being sure my life was ending when we moved in 5th grade. When second semester of 7th grade came, & we were moving again, I was sure death was a better alternative. Even when I moved to Russellville for school, I wasn't sure about all of it, but I thought I was past being "homesick." I've realized that I'm never going to hate being wherever my parents call home, because it's comfortable like nowhere else. I'm never going to hate being in Alma because, a little piece of it will always feel right, even if I don't make my life there. God has thrown my entire definition of home out, and replaced it with this incredible peace and joy that only He can bring. I keep saying, "Jesus! I want to go home," & it's as if instantly, He quiets my fear and discomfort and says, "Rest in Me, child!"
Through all the change & adjustments that have come with this summer, I've began to truly understand that there is no greater "home" then when I rest and rely on my sweet Jesus to get me through. How sweet & comforting it is to know I never have to be homesick again, because the incredible love of my Jesus is home. Love Love Love.

Beautiful Babies..

So.. Africa, huh?! I've been home for two weeks now and I still don't know where to begin talking about my trip or telling all God did. I've rewritten this blog a couple of times and figured out over the past couple of weeks that my trip has nothing to do with me. It is ALL about what Jesus did. To say He moved and changed lives is an understatement. Personally, the trip was full of mixed feelings. On the flight over, I journaled, "I can't even begin to understand and explain what I'm thinking and feeling right now. It's all mixed up. It's all like that. Good vs. Bad. Encouraged vs. Discouraged. Ready vs. Terrified." The first few days of the trip were long and stretching. By the time we got to Quelimane on Friday, I was exhausted, sick, and pretty miserable. I expected to get there and never want to leave. I thought I would feel so at home, but it wasn't like that. I didn't understand why all I wanted was to be home. So at first, that's what I prayed for. I prayed for a renewed purpose, I prayed to understand why I was there, and I prayed that He would break my heart for what breaks His. He instantly made it overwhelmingly clear to me that He brought me to Africa to work in me as much as to work through me. I was too stubborn to listen to Him at home, so He brought me to Africa where there was nothing to listen to but Him. I don't mean that in a selfish way at all. I wasn't focused on myself, but I was focused on what God was teaching me, and that was a lot about myself. I feel like I thought I would get there and He would immediately confirm that I need to be there until the day I die.

That's just where it started. That was all before I went to the peace school and fell in love with the sweet babies.

This is Dacia and I absolutely love her to the moon and back. She's 8 years old and I promise the feelings are mutual. The first day at the peace school, she grabbed my hand and didn't let go until we left a week and a half later. Through both of our tears she asked, "Ataya manana?" She repeated it over and over, "See you tomorrow?" She didn't understand why we weren't coming back. I didn't either. At this point, I was absolutely counting the days to home, but not fully understanding how I was ever going to be okay with not seeing her everyday. She is beautiful, inside and out, but her home is so broken. They all are. The huts were definitely something that set me back and reminded me of how lucky I am. I journaled about it and said, "There are at least 8 houses in the size lot we put one home on. By house, I mean a one or two room makeshift hut of sticks and mud. It's hard to understand how they could ever be used to this. It's hard to understand how we could ever be okay with it. But they are so happy. They have an overwhelming joy and love for their family, community, and country that outshines anything I have ever encountered in the states."

I loved the rest of my trip. That is an understatement actually. But God absolutely broke my heart for Quelimane specifically. I don't know that I'll be back there, but I can say with absolute certainty, that there is no way I can go back to "normal life" after spending two weeks with these sweet faces.

Africa, I love and miss you. Almost as much as Dacia and Nema.

Love Love Love.

12 days..

This past weekend I went on a 3 day retreat to meet my team for Africa, get shots, and get all the details. I guess because of that this whole thing is getting so real! I'm going to Africa in 12 days. In 12 days, I will be in Africa. 12 days until I'm Africa. It's the same every way I write it, but every time it hits me again. I'm overwhelmed to say the least. Scared. Excited. Nervous. All of those & 100 other emotions but overwhelmed might be the only one that sums them up. I have the longest to-do list & this might be the only time in my life that I've wished for any kind of stress level. I don't even know where to begin writing. There is just so much going through my head. I keep thinking that I can't possibly be "good enough" to carry the name of my Jesus to Quelimane, Mozambique, but I think that's just it. There is no denying He has redeemed me time and time again, and I'm beginning to realize that I can't tell of His love better than my broken life can show it. Anytime my grandpa was asked if he was doing good, he would rattle off the verse about not even one person being good. I overwhelmed by the reminder that Jesus uses me no matter how much I have fought Him for control of the life that I can only mess up on my own. I've been reading a blog all day written by a girl not much older than me that gave up everything to follow Jesus to Uganda. (Read her story at kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com!!) I've never felt like this in my life. How can I love somewhere I've never been? How can I love people I've never met? I'm sitting in my living room floor, crying and listening to Natalie Grant's "In Better Hands" on repeat, and al I can think about is how much my heart hurts to be in Africa already. I know He has prepared me for Africa. If just for a small time, he MADE me FOR Africa.. Not because He couldn't use someone else or because He needed help at all, but because I need Africa just as desperately as Africa needs me. We both need Jesus in an inconceivable way, and He is bringing us together to understand that more deeply. I can't explain the burden and joy I feel all at the same time. To tell you the truth, I've been scared of this whole thing for the past couple of weeks, and I still am some, but as I sit here and try to understand it, Jesus quiets my soul again. This song says, "There's no fear when the night comes around, because I'm in better hands now."
When I first said I was going, my fiend Michael said, "You're finally doing what you were made to do. How's that feel?" I didn't even know where to begin to answer that, and as more people have asked over the past couple of weeks, I still haven't had the right answer. It feels like fall. It feels like Kyli and Lathan and Landon. It feels like my best friends on a roadtrip. It feels like country music. It feels like Christmas morning when you know exactly what you're getting and are sure you'll never want anything else. It feels like snowcones and sunshine. Like happy happy hour and sunsets. Like sleeping in late and the beach. Like spring break and new books like grandpa telling me a story about granny. Like grandma calling to tell me she's proud of me. Like finally understanding that Jami is more than just my sister. Like brandi laughing at herself. Like Sunday morning wake-ups with my dad. Like Saturday pancakes and shopping with my mom. Like everything I ever loved ir everything that ever made me happy combined. I know He has so much more planned than I could ever imagined, but I'm catching a small glimpse and I couldn't be more excited. Love Love Love.

Changes..

The end of the semester is coming so fast & I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm more than ready to be in Africa, (We'll see if I ever come back?!) but it's going to be a long summer with a lot of first and lasts I feel like.

My parent's are moving to Rison when my mom finishes her school year in the beginning of June. I grew up knowing that God was going to move my family around some because He had called my dad into the ministry, and that means He called us too. I won't even try to lie and say that it hasn't been hard to do through the years, but I can honestly say that Alma has been home for a long time and I am so thankful for that move. This one is so different though. Alma is my hometown and I still love it, but Russellville is home for now. I live here. I go to school here. If I work, it's here. I go to church here. Most of my closest friends are here. I love it. Butttttttt this whole move for my parents is becoming harder than I expected. I thought that them moving just meant I would go somewhere different to see them, but I'm slowly realizing, as Rison becomes a reality, that now it's going to be harder to see my best friends in Alma. It means leaving the little things like Braum's ice cream cones and swinging and picnics in the park (which may or may not have produced a few tears). It means not knowing the back roads and not running into people in Wal-Mart. It means not necessarily being around for the Hodo's Christmas lights in Van Buren or my favorite snow cone stand in Fort Smith. I am completely confident that my parents are going where they're supposed to, but I'm confused how that is supposed to make me feel. I know I'll still visit Alma and my friends and Jami there, but it changes it for me it seems like. It is so precious to me now! Weird. My parents are actually leaving Alma while I am in Africa and I have mixed feelings about missing the move. On one hand, I won't have to help or deal with the immediate "goodbyes," but on the other hand, they'll be gone when I get back and I won't get to stop and "let go" either. It has been the weirdest thing to me that I've been affected by it so much, but for some reason, it gets me a little every time I think about it. It doesn't make sense to anyone that it is upsetting me, or to me either for that matter, but it has made me more thankful than ever for the sweet friendships I love so much at home and the ones here that get me through when "home" shifts.

My parent's move leaves me staying in Hector for the summer and working at a snow cone stand in Atkins. I'm excited to for sure have a job, but I know it's going to be a long summer. It's my first summer completely away from home, and while I'm used to not being with my parents during the school year, all the free time of summer might be a little weird to not share with my mom. I haven't spent a summer without Chelsi, Betsy, Jessica, and Michael around in a couple of years and I know that will be different too, but I can honestly say I am rejoicing in the fact that I know this is all for His good. My grandpa's favorite verse in the world, although he could quote what seemed like half the Bible, was Romans 8:28. "And we know that all things work together for good to them who love God, and to them who are called according to His purpose." I've never been led to believe that the bad wasn't just as much a blessing, if not more, than the good, but it seems like I am constantly hearing this echoed around me in sermons, testimonies, and even short conversations with friends. Church this morning was about truly having a spirit of thankfulness through trials because hardships produce perseverance and faith. I know that this is seemingly insignificant in the grand scheme of things, a move that barely affects me, but it has honestly strengthened my faith and reliance on my sweet Jesus, so I WILL be thankful. I don't say all this to draw attention to the fact that I've been hurting, but to bring glory to my Jesus who trusts me enough to let me hurt to see Him more. He is so good. Love Love Love. 

Faithfulness..

I could write for days about the faithfulness of Jesus. Forever. & ever. & ever. & ever. I am officially headed to Africa May 25 & I don't know where to start telling you how God has provided & led me since all of this came up! Of course I've heard about Him moving in other people's life and even seen Jesus work in mine, but He has confirmed so many times since bringing me this trip that He set it up and even put me in the plans to go and carry His name. It is finals week, so don't be surprised that I don't have time to say a lot, but let me leave you with these verses about His overwhelming goodness. Romans 4:20-21.. "No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised." Love Love Love.

Passion.. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

I know its been forever and obviously I've given up on the 30 days of pictures, but I have so much to say. This weekend, 5 of my very best friends and I went to the Passion Conference in Fort Worth. Passion is a gathering of college students that love Jesus and want more of Him. We signed up in January and I was excited then, but throughout the crazy semester, I lost focus and didn't really know what to expect for the weekend by the time it was time to leave. I honestly can't put into words what a beautiful, life-changing weekend it was. There is no way I can make everything into one blog post, but I'll start with what God is already using so much in my life. Story time again! 

I think I've shared before about feeling absolutely called to go to Africa at least on short term mission trips, but even for extended periods eventually. This weekend, we talked about unreached people groups where less than 2% of the population claims to be a Christian. In countries with populations more than a billion, there are sometimes a few hundred unreached people groups. My heart for missions and desire to go was multiplied and reinforced throughout the weekend as we talked about the Koso people of Mali in North Africa where only 12 of their 500,000 population know the name of Jesus. We talked about the rubble and devastation that is still so drastically affecting Haiti. We talked with missionaries who have seen Jesus in their second countries, and we talked with people from destitute places who now know the hope they can find in Jesus' name. Fast forward to our drive home Sunday night.. I was thinking about Africa and telling my friends that I wish I could just drop out and go. After a small panic attack about us not being together, Rachel instantly started praying that God would provide opportunities for Katie and me to go if thats what we are supposed to do. I've seen God move fast, even instantly, but I was still taken back when He showed up yesterday. Rachel, Katie, Taylor, and I were eating dinner with Katie's family when Taylor shouted at me, "OH TORI!!!" She went on to tell me that she knew of a trip to Africa that suddenly had a couple of spots open. I'm not sure whether this trip will work out. The trip leaves in 7 weeks and that isn't very long to raise the money and all of that, but I know that if I'm supposed to go, God will provide. I guess I'm saying all this to ask that you pray for my discernment and this trip. I need to decide this week if I am going, and if I am, I have a lot to do. 

If I had to pick one thing that I learned from Passion, I would have to say that I now know that I know that I know that I know that if it's in His will, it WILL work out. I'll leave you with this quote from Louie Giglio's sermon Friday night. He said, "I'm not going to waste my time praying small things to a Huge God. That insults His power."

Love Love Love. 

Countdown..

I copied this from sweet Miriam. I love little facts, so I thought it would be fun! Love Love Love.


Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people:
1. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You've taught me everything I need to know and trust me more than you ever should to do the things that I need to and live for Jesus. You're the best. 
2. You are such a good friend. Even when you think I've forgotten about you, I'm so thankful for you and your constant friendship. I love our drives and talks more than you'll ever know. 
3. You've taught me so much about how to be a better friend. I'm so glad we're best friends. You are beautiful inside and out. 
4. We're the same and that really says it all. I'm so glad we understand each other so well. 
5. I don't know what I'd do with y'all. You are absolutely my favorite people in the world. I'll never be able to make you understand how much I love you. 
6. You should know I am so thankful for you, your sweet spirit, and all the fun you create. Love you so much!
7. You are absolutely one of my favorite friends. I'm so glad we've gotten so much closer. You are so fun and always so sweet. Love youuu.
8. I'm so glad we've been friends for so long, but I think it might be harder to hang on than it is to let go. I'm so thankful for all that we've been through together, but I think we both need to look to other people for that. I love you and I'll always be around.
9. I love you and I miss you more than you know. I'm sorry things have happened the way they have and I wish there was a way to fix it, but I'm afraid we are both too stubborn to try. 
10. I love you, sweet friend. Thanks for being you. You're the best. 

Nine things about myself:
1. My nieces and nephews are my favorite people in the entire world. I don't think anything would be worth it without them.
2. All I want to do is love on precious orphans in Africa, so I'm having a hard time understanding why God has me at Tech. 
3. I analyze everything. I'm trying to stop, but its so hard. 
4. I've made some best friends and lost some this year, but I'm so thankful for the way things have turned out so far. 
5. I'm beginning to love my parents more everyday. More because they are great, Godly examples, and less because they can do stuff for me. 
6. I could never explain how much I've changed in this past year, but I think its actually for the better. 
7. I love to read and wish I could so much more.
8. I read PostSecret every Saturday night before I go to bed. I'm obsessed. 
9. I just want Jesus to use me. 

Eight ways to win my heart:
1. Be my friend first. That's what it's really about anyways, right?
2. Love my family and yours. If you don't love your mom, then I don't want you to love me. 
3. Love Jesus more than you'll ever love me. 
4. Hang out with my friends. They're way too important to me, for you not to like them. 
5. Love kids. 
6. Make sure we get to watch as many movies as possible.. I hope we like the same ones. 
7. LOVE FALL. I'm absolutely obsessed with everything about it. 
8. If you hate country music, we're never going to work out.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:
1. My parents and where Jesus is leading them.
2. My best friends.
3. Where Jesus is going to lead me.
4. My future husband. 
5. My sisters.
6. Memories and my past. 
7. Africa. 

Six things I do before I fall asleep: 
1. Brush my teeth, wash my face, and use the restroom.
2. Talk to Judi.
3. Pray. 
4. Make a to-do list for tomorrow on my phone. 
5. Set my alarm.
6. Check facebook and twitter.

Five songs that you listen to often:
1. Dirt Road Anthem- Jason Aldean
2. A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
3. Soon- Hillsong
4. I Like It, I Love It- Tim McGraw
5. Enough- Barlow Girl

Four things you're wearing right now:
1. Jeans
2. Razorbraces T-Shirt
3. Christmas Socks
4. Earrings

Three people that mean a lot (in no order):
1. Kyli
2. Lathan
3. Landon

Two things you want to do before you die:
1. Have a family. 
2. Go to Africa. 


One confession: 
1. My biggest pet peeve is chewing gum or eating a peppermint in the bathroom. Eww!!