12 days..

This past weekend I went on a 3 day retreat to meet my team for Africa, get shots, and get all the details. I guess because of that this whole thing is getting so real! I'm going to Africa in 12 days. In 12 days, I will be in Africa. 12 days until I'm Africa. It's the same every way I write it, but every time it hits me again. I'm overwhelmed to say the least. Scared. Excited. Nervous. All of those & 100 other emotions but overwhelmed might be the only one that sums them up. I have the longest to-do list & this might be the only time in my life that I've wished for any kind of stress level. I don't even know where to begin writing. There is just so much going through my head. I keep thinking that I can't possibly be "good enough" to carry the name of my Jesus to Quelimane, Mozambique, but I think that's just it. There is no denying He has redeemed me time and time again, and I'm beginning to realize that I can't tell of His love better than my broken life can show it. Anytime my grandpa was asked if he was doing good, he would rattle off the verse about not even one person being good. I overwhelmed by the reminder that Jesus uses me no matter how much I have fought Him for control of the life that I can only mess up on my own. I've been reading a blog all day written by a girl not much older than me that gave up everything to follow Jesus to Uganda. (Read her story at kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com!!) I've never felt like this in my life. How can I love somewhere I've never been? How can I love people I've never met? I'm sitting in my living room floor, crying and listening to Natalie Grant's "In Better Hands" on repeat, and al I can think about is how much my heart hurts to be in Africa already. I know He has prepared me for Africa. If just for a small time, he MADE me FOR Africa.. Not because He couldn't use someone else or because He needed help at all, but because I need Africa just as desperately as Africa needs me. We both need Jesus in an inconceivable way, and He is bringing us together to understand that more deeply. I can't explain the burden and joy I feel all at the same time. To tell you the truth, I've been scared of this whole thing for the past couple of weeks, and I still am some, but as I sit here and try to understand it, Jesus quiets my soul again. This song says, "There's no fear when the night comes around, because I'm in better hands now."
When I first said I was going, my fiend Michael said, "You're finally doing what you were made to do. How's that feel?" I didn't even know where to begin to answer that, and as more people have asked over the past couple of weeks, I still haven't had the right answer. It feels like fall. It feels like Kyli and Lathan and Landon. It feels like my best friends on a roadtrip. It feels like country music. It feels like Christmas morning when you know exactly what you're getting and are sure you'll never want anything else. It feels like snowcones and sunshine. Like happy happy hour and sunsets. Like sleeping in late and the beach. Like spring break and new books like grandpa telling me a story about granny. Like grandma calling to tell me she's proud of me. Like finally understanding that Jami is more than just my sister. Like brandi laughing at herself. Like Sunday morning wake-ups with my dad. Like Saturday pancakes and shopping with my mom. Like everything I ever loved ir everything that ever made me happy combined. I know He has so much more planned than I could ever imagined, but I'm catching a small glimpse and I couldn't be more excited. Love Love Love.